Ah yes, I had the most gorgeous knockout for a girlfriend in high school. She was so fine that old men would just stop and stare with mouths agape. We lost our virginity together and we’d sit around and just play with each other’s body. She was a good kid and I was such a shit to her actually. All I really wanted to do was play guitar. I publicly apologize to her for being so self-absorbed and by the way, she had the nicest breastesses I’ve ever…well….
Now my worst fear was to blow up an amplifier onstage and be left standing there behind a dead guitar. Well, at this particular gig I remember blowing up 5 amplifiers and only one of them was mine. It had something to do with the generator they were using to power us, it couldn’t handle the bla-bla-woof woof.
After the show I had to go tell her that…um, it hurt when I peed. We panicked and for about a week we were obsessed with reading everything we could find about syphilis. We were sure that’s what we had and we were going to go blind and die from it eventually. Finally we decided to get on our bikes and pedal across town to a free clinic and get checked. She went in first and then me. The doctor was this beautiful young Austrian lady and I was hoping I wouldn’t have to take my pants down in front of her. Ha! She made me strip naked, sat me on a table and proceeded to hold my penis in one hand and with the other, insert a long (did I say long?) Q-tip with a huge wad of cotton on the end. Did she insert it just in the tip and take it out? Nooooo! She proceeded to perform a figure eight at light speed with this cotton swab inserted half-way down the length of my poor little shriveled friend. I can still feel that. Twenty two years later my kids could feel it. When I’m dead in my grave, my penis will still not have forgiven me, and I’ll still be feeling it.
Then…oh you should have seen us waiting around the phone to find out if my poor penis would eventually turn to dust and fall off due to some disease we got as penance for our sinful sexual indulgences. Oh God no, repent, repent. Then the call came.
“Hello Mr Vai? This is the Nassau County Free Health Clinic. You have a slight urinary infection. Drink lots of distilled water and it should pass in a few days.”
I’m happy to report that my penis is still here, but it’s not talking to me.